After last night, I could never be a politician.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize