He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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