I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I have aggressive nipples.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
