That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Vodka?
Forever.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
