dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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