No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize