She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
