suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
