I'm going to jail i love you
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
