ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
