My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
