The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize