census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Randomize
