The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
