i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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