I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
