All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
