What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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