i permit you to call me
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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