my shit smells like andre
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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