I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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