I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
