Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize