This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
