Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
