Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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