and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
worst night to have a conscience
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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