walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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