If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize