I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I came so hard my ears popped.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
