I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
