I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
