Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
