we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
