i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
