I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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