Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
