Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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