So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
