he thought i was a dude.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
