I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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