listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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