Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
