who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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