i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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