this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
