I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
