I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
