I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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