I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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