I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i believe in u and ur pee
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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