My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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