i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I party with great urgency now.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
