i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
