just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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