kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
