Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
