tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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