Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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