I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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