Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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