After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
